Bondegezu, Tree Kangaroo by Richard Stevenson
Bondegezu, Tree Kangaroo
Yo! Homo sapiens dude,
Bondegezu, tree kangaroo.
Ain’t no cryptid critter
since you guys tracked me down.
Lemme get down from this tree.
Don’t worry. I ain’t no pugilist,
Don’t practice Muay Thai or Kung Fu.
Just like to munch a bunch of leaves,
get up off the forest floor when I
need to cop some Z’s. I snore, see.
Wanna get the kangaroo jump
on snakes and yer tub-thumpin’
braggarts who want me in a zoo.
What did I do to make me cause celeb?
I’m just a normal chump like you.
But, no, I’m a badass Bondegezu:
shorter tail; shorter fuse… .
Really, you boys are so confused.
Taken a look at your big cities lately?
Take away yer guns, stop shavin’…
Really, some of yer thuggy bunch
might as well pull their pants up
and turn their ball caps around.
Start swingin’ branch to branch
insteada packin’ switchblades and heaters.
Yo, fool, whazzup? don’t cut it
as a dialogue opener where I come from.
Maybe you should give us the tux and ties,
the fancy shark skin suits. Say, Surprise,
the Bodegezu boys be runnin’ the ‘hood.
Could do worse. At least we don’t snatch
our grannies’ purses when they’re fumblin’
for ID or green stamps. And what kinda
jerk would write 401 e-mails to fleece
their fellow humanoids out of their life savings?
Not a tree kangaroo. We got better things
to do than crap where we eat. We’re discrete,
courteous creatures. Would rather share
the bounty of our biome over tea, than clap
a cell phone to our ears twenty-four seven.
Badass Bandegezus, indeed!
Why don’t you pull up a limb
and sit down a spell? You eat apples –
or at least Adam did that one time.
Why not get hip to Eden’s bounty now?
Some red dye 2 diseased steer steak
wrapped in cellophane for days is better?
How now, brown cow? Hold the phone!
Time to go vegan or vegetarian at least.
Grow some lentils, peas, and beans.
The more you toot, the better you feel
And all that. Nothing wrong with passin’ gas.
Heck, you might be able to run yer cars
on all the hot air you humans exude.