The Gugwe
Richard Stevenson
Next time you get the notion
of filling a water bottle and
prepping a tent, backpack,
and sleeping bag for a camp-out
in the deep, dark woods, think again!
Unless you’ve got a forty-four
magnum pistol or side cannon
of some sort – something that’ll blow
a six-inch hole clean through a ten-foot
Sasquatch’s muscle-bound chest –
and you’re diligent enough to get
the drop on a Gugwe, yer a goner!
The Gugwe ain’t shy and retirin’ like yer
average abominable swamp slob or skunk ape.
And he has a baboon-like snout full of sharp teeth —
two protruding fangs prominent among them.
He’s more apt to tear you apart than coo
and cool his keister in a deep dark cave.
Gugwes got only two things on their minds:
eating and making baby Gugwes. That’s it.
Gugwes are omnivores, but get tired
of tubers and bland, boring vegetables.
If papa spots a homo sapiens bozo in the bush,
he’s gonna get up off his hairy tush
and hunt him down. He’s a good hunter too!
With no mod cons or anything to refrigerate
your remains, he’s gonna be hungry
and may not see his next meal on the hoof
for days – even weeks sometimes. Raw meat
is gonna get him salivating and motivated.
No, the Gugwe’s not an adversary you wanna mess with.
He’s got a better sense of smell than you do –
and even if the prevailing winds give you an advantage,
he’s gonna be on you lickety split anyway.
Unless you see him first, yer on the menu, dude.
