The Gugwe by Richard Stevenson

The Gugwe
Richard Stevenson

Next time you get the notion
of filling a water bottle and
prepping a tent, backpack,
and sleeping bag for a camp-out
in the deep, dark woods, think again!

Unless you’ve got a forty-four
magnum pistol or side cannon
of some sort – something that’ll blow
a six-inch hole clean through a ten-foot
Sasquatch’s muscle-bound chest –

and you’re diligent enough to get
the drop on a Gugwe, yer a goner!
The Gugwe ain’t shy and retirin’ like yer
average abominable swamp slob or skunk ape.
And he has a baboon-like snout full of sharp teeth —

two protruding fangs prominent among them.
He’s more apt to tear you apart than coo
and cool his keister in a deep dark cave.
Gugwes got only two things on their minds:
eating and making baby Gugwes.  That’s it.

Gugwes are omnivores, but get tired
of tubers and bland, boring vegetables.
If papa spots a homo sapiens bozo in the bush,
he’s gonna get up off his hairy tush
and hunt him down.  He’s a good hunter too!

With no mod cons or anything to refrigerate
your remains, he’s gonna be hungry
and may not see his next meal on the hoof
for days – even weeks sometimes.  Raw meat
is gonna get him salivating and motivated.

No, the Gugwe’s not an adversary you wanna mess with.
He’s got a better sense of smell than you do –
and even if the prevailing winds give you an advantage,
he’s gonna be on you lickety split anyway.
Unless you see him first, yer on the menu, dude.

The Gugwe by Richard Stevenson 1

Leave a Reply