(Care and Feeding of) The Flathead Lake Monster by Richard Stevenson

(Care and Feeding of)
The Flathead Lake Monster
Richard Stevenson

Don’t surface much.
You might see me once a year,
though I do runs
of six appearances
when I feel up to it.
Slap tag, tumble turns –
I can put on quite a show
when motivated –
with a nice repast of shrimp
or scampering scampi.
Get tired of trout, eh?
Just give me stomach aches —
and eels are worse.
Make my stomach heave and lurch.
Humans give me pains for days!
You’re safe.  Too toxic,
Not enough meat on your bones.
Go vegetarian?
Not enough anacaris
to make a decent salad!
Could throw a pizza
like a discus my way.
Toss a teen burger
or bean and cheeze burrito …
Junk food is nice for a change.
Ain’t getting fat
on the skimpy scampi here.
Maybe prawns? … Crayfish?
It doesn’t need to be a
fancy dish – just fresh.
Tell you what I’ll do.
Toss me a good-sized meat loaf
and I’ll flash some fin,
pose for cell phone serpent shots,
give you a big cryptid grin.

Mac and cheeze?  No thanks.
Too many carbs and calories.
Maybe with tuna –
I could get used to that.
Keto treats are your best bet.
Cheetos and chips
won’t make this cryptid flip,
but anchovies?  Yes!
Keto burritos?  I’m on
my knees for spaniel pets.


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